A day under the palms

a 15min ipad sketch. Procreate app.

Social discouragement.

Sometimes I'll post a doodle, sketch, painting, or an illustration on a social media site and it gets no likes. Then I'll see someone post a pic of a dog or of their feet and it'll get a ton of likes. It can be very discouraging. As if my art is not likable or worthy. That's why I'll often fill a sketchbook and not let a soul see what's inside. 

Clown fish!

A simple sketch while watching a show. 

Quiet

Dear reader,

For the past month I've come to be aware of somethings. One of which is how open I am about everything. It's kind if dawned on me, why? Not everyone needs to know everything and what's the point of throwing all my info out there for everyone to see. Maybe its a transitioning from extro to introvert, I don't know. 

Anyways, I'll still continue to blog and be open if asked anything personal but as far as just throwing stuff out there, I think I'm going to switch it up for awhile. I'll keep to myself a little more, I'll play my cards close, guard my thoughts,  be more of an observant instead of a participator and I guess just see what happens from there. 

Its not like I'm entirely switching who I am but just wanting to keep to myself a little more. I am only human however so I may be very open from time to time but for now I'll just go with the flow. 

Just a minute.

Haven't blogged in a bit. I didn't disappear, I've just been wanting to keep my thought and musing private lately. More posts to come soon! 

The first rule of...

It's only after we've lost everything, that we're free to do anything. 

-tyler durden

6/9 5 Gratefuls

5 things that I'm grateful for this past week.

1. Talking. I know this sounds like something silly to be grateful for but its true! Sometimes talking just helps. Whether its about a problem, trying to work out a solution or sharing something amazing that happened. Having someone to talk to is great!
2. My date night with my wife. I had good food, a Wolverine burger at Red Robin!, we watched a great movie, Iron Man 3, and had plenty to talk about. It was a nice refreshing break from the week 
3. My artistic ability. I don't like to brag or boast or even claim that I'm artistic in any fashion but I'm glad I have the ability to draw. Lately I've been carrying around a small sketchbook and just jotting down notes and doing quick doodles whenever I can. It's very therapeutic to just work something out or to just let go and simply play with pencil and paper.
4. My sister. She always helps out when she can and even when its not needed she helps anyway. My wife and I owe a lot to her and she is way more appreciated than we can ever show her. 
5. My friend, Sabz. I had a really crappy day earlier this week. She might not have made it complete better but she reached out in such a way that it helped make a huge impact. She showed love and caring when I needed it. Others did as well and not to downplay them at all but what she did to put a smile on my face left me totally speechless. 

Splish splash!

So my illustration theme for this past week was "splish splash". I wanted to do something way different than the first two illos. I took a way more graphic approach. Hope everyone likes!

Weekly Illustration Challenges

I am a huge fan of an illustrator named Pascal Campion. He is amazing and is based semi locally in the Bay Area. Everyday Pascal posts a "sketch" of a random scene in life. The amazing thing about it is his  sketches are full blown illustration, that capture the moment he wants so perfectly. The viewer can see one of his illos and immediately be reminded of a moment that, that might have happened in their own life. His compositions are phenomenal and his palette of colours is brilliant. Check out his work here:

Pascal's Daily Sketch Blog

A few months ago I introduced his work to a dear friend of mine. She was blown away and immediately subscribed to his email list to get receive his daily sketches. She was as captured by his art as much as I am. I've been excited to send someone I know an occasional text saying "did you see PC today?".

So in a way to make sure that I do a little more illustration practice, to maybe add more pieces to my portfolio, and from being inspired by Pascal,  I asked my friend if every week she could come up with a  theme for me. On Monday mornings for the past three weeks she's giving me a theme and I've sketched out some rough ideas and then coloured them. The 1st two were done in a few hours and not really completed but that's ok. I wanted to just have fun with these and I figured I could always go back and refine them later on. I'll post the 1st two here and I'll post the third in a separate blog entry.

Week1: a night under the stars

Week2: a storm in the meadow

My friend has been amused at what I create based on her themes. I really like this partnership that we've created and can't wait to continue to draw up more of these little moments. 

Four Fantastic Friends.

I had a horrible day today. I don't want to go into details but it just started off bad and continued that way throughout the day. The only good thing about today was the people in it that made an effort to make my day the opposite of how it was. 

My dear friend texted me and asked how my day was going and I told her about my misery. She kept texting me and all of a sudden she asked me to come outside (I was at work) and she surprised me with a box of cupcakes! I was completely shocked and have no words for how this made me feel. The fact that she stopped what she was going, went out of her way to go to a bakery, pick out flavors I might like and brought cupcakes to me was just so sweet. It totally brought some sunshine to my gloomy day. 

Another great friend, that lives quite a bit away couldn't be here to cheer me up but kept texting me throughout the day to make sure I was ok. Even our short and brief phone call made me feel better. She also offered to call again later and continued to text to make sure I was ok. The fact that she continually was looking out for me meant alot. This was also the friend that sent me a book that reminded her of me as a complete surprise. A super sweet gesture that made me elated. 

Another friend whom I haven't had a chance to talk to much lately also texted to check up on me. We chatted for a bit and although this might not sound amazing it actually was. Since we haven't talked as much as we used to it showed that she cares and that meant so much. 

And then there is my loving wife. She was there to witness the beginning of the horribleness and throughout the day made sure I was ok and tried cheering me up. She cooked dinner entirely by herself, bought me a book and even just the simple gestures of rubbing my shoulder, and giving me hugs at the right time helped so much. 

I am lucky and very blessed to have friends in my life that care and that not only say that they'll be there for me but actually show it. For as bad as this day has been, four people made a whole world of difference and made it another day to thank God for. 

Veggie-Mite

My wife is a vegan. She has been for the past 4 years of so. Before that she was vegetarian way, way before I met her. 

This completely changed my life. I still eat meat but I am way more conscious of what I eat. She has never pressured me to turn but has said she would like it if I did became at least vegetarian but that's a decision I would have to make on my own. 

When we first got married she would cook meat but when she switched from vegetarian to vegan she stopped. That didn't bother me at all, I figured I'd never become vegetarian but at least when she cooked I'd eat vegetarian and I'd eat meat when she wasn't around. I'd still get my protein the old fashion way and would still respect her decision, no biggie. 

Now just to clear things up a little from my end, I've never been a big meat eater. I also hate bacon. Ok, ok settle down dear reader, if I have any readers left after the disgust of me not liking bacon. I also don't like steak, or eating any kind of meat that's attached to any kind of bone. Basically the only meat I do like is ground beef, fish fillets, and at times, boneless chicken. Basically meats that don't look like they've come from any kind of animal. I've always been this way. So my wife was never an influence on any of that. 

Like I said being married to a vegan has changed my outlook on food in general. I still eat fast food but not as much as I used to. I only drink soda at restaurants, other than that its water. My portion sizes are smaller than before. I eat way more vegetables (something my mom loves!). Even the types of dishes has expanded greatly. Before I ate heavy American, Mexican, and Italian dishes. Now I prefer Indian, Pakistani, Afghan, and Thai foods, with a burrito and burger thrown in there for old times sake. 

About 2 years ago I read a book called Eating Animals, by Jonathan Safran Foer. It's about factory farming and its effects on humans that consume meat that comes from this type of farming, as well as the effects on the animals themselves and the environment. It talks about the various ways animals are grown and butchered but went super into depths about the lives of chickens. It made such a huge impact that I didn't eat chicken for almost a year. Whenever I tried it would make me nauseated. I eat chicken now but cannot think of what it is I'm eating, I have to consciously think of something else or I have to load it with some kind of sauce so the taste is masked. 

Anyway, the whole point to this blog is because I've been mulling over something for awhile. I've been thinking of cutting out meat from my diet. Just to keep it real, I don't think I can completely, so instead of becoming vegetarian I was thinking what if I became a pescatarian and see how that works out for me. I haven't mentioned this to my wife because I want to make sure its something I really want to do. I figure eating fish will be a bit easier for me since I see how much problems my wife has when she eats out, plus it'll still be some kind of protein that's not from soy, nuts, or legumes.  I'm wondering how its gonna work out for me, if it does at all. I have gone a week here and there with no meat and it honestly isn't that bad. I don't feel any kind of loss in my diet. If anything I feel a bit "lighter" and not so full from eating and just generally better those weeks I don't eat meat. That's just me though. 

I'll give it a bit more thought and decide what to do. 

6/2 5 things to be grateful for this past week.

1. My wife for being loving and caring.
2. Music for giving me something to bob my head to while I do the various things i do throughout the day. 
3. Podcasts, for being about to fill the voids of quiet when I'm not in the mood for music, when I'm alone. 
4. My iPad! I've been sketching on it alot more often and have been loving it. 
5. Little gestures from friends that mean grand things, like surprises in the mail of things that remind them of me that they've sent me. 

5/26 5ish weekly grateful things.

This week was tough so let me see if I can even get 5 things I'm grateful for.

1. I'm grateful that I got to take my friend to the airport on Monday. We tried hanging out Sunday and early Monday but it just didn't work out. Taking her to airport Monday afternoon gave us a little but more time to hang out. Plus afterword we (wife and I) went to her house for dinner and got to spend quality time with the rest of the family and bond with her mom, sis, and brother.

2. I'm thankful for going to the Stockton Thunder game on Friday. I took my nephew and a friend and we had a great time. Thunder ended up not winning the Kelly Cup but won that night and ended up with the Bruce Taylor Trophy. It was a fun season and a lot of great memories. Cant wait til October for the next season to start!

3. I'm grateful for long weekends! Had a rough week at work so its nice to just relax and stay home and chill.

4. I'm grateful for the show Arrested Development. It's probably one of the most well written shows ever. One of my favorites and worth rewatching over and over again. It has given me plenty of laughs today so far.

5. I'm grateful for my loving wife. She can tell my moods when I'm not open about them. She knows when I'm down, hurt, happy and hungry. Yes hungry is definitely a mood! Not only does she know my mood just by seeing me or hearing my voice but she knows how to handle each one and always puts a smile on my face. I would be a mess without her.

My Amazing Nephew

Earlier today at work I ran into a coworker. We have a mutual friend who is also the mom of my nephew and Godson. My coworker was on the phone with her and when she found out she wanted to talk to me. As soon as she got on the phone she told me that my nephew was AMAZING! I kinda laughed and asked what happened and she was confused about my reaction. She asked if I heard what he did. I honestly hadn't and I told her that.

She proceeded to tell me that yesterday her son, another boy, and my nephew were playing hacky sack by the school that's across the street. One of them kicked the ball on the other side of a wrought iron fence surrounding the playground. The wrought iron fence is one of those that has the straight poles with the points at the tips. So the other kid climbed over, tossed the hacky sack back to the boys, then started to climb back over. His foot slipped and from what she said is that his leg got impaled by one of the poles and that it went clean through. She said her son and the impaled kid started freaking out and panicking, but not my nephew. He immediately made sure the boy was ok, lifted him off the pole although she's not sure how he managed to do that by himself since her son was panicking and not helping. Then when he freed the boy of the pole, he laid him down, applied pressure on the wound and called 911 on his cell. An ambulance ride, and emergency room visit later the doc said pole was centimeters from an artery but that the kid was ok.

I was completely stunned and amazed. Not only did my nephew not freak out and panic but he reacted and sprung to action to help someone in need. He assessed the situation and weighed out his options to help his friend. Then he knew to put pressure and call 911 to get him the quickest medical help possible. I think this is amazing and very commendable. I am proud and happy to hear how he reacted and that he helped someone. His dream job is to become a paratrooper medic for the Army. If I had any doubts in how he would handle that job then they have been settled. I'm so proud of him and his accomplishments that he's done and that he's so modest about it all. If he does pursue the career he wants I would be honored to know that such a young man is helping to protect and serve our country.

change.

I noticed during a conversation with a friend today that I found myself complaining. It got me to thinking, when the hell did I become so negative and such a complainer?? I NEVER used to be like that. I used to be so positive and have a positive outlook at life.

I'd like to think that I'm not negative just a Realist. I know everything isn't always going to be ok. I know good things happen to good people and positive things happen to positive people, but I also know bad things happen despite how much hope and positivity there is. I just try to keep it real and not have my head in the clouds. A life philosophy of mine has always been "hope for the best but expect the worse". That seems to cover the positivity and still keep it real in case things go wrong.

However somewhere along the way I've started teetering on the edge of realism and negativity. I don't like. Other people don't like that. No one likes being around a person that's so negative. I want to try and find a way to change my attitude back to teetering between positive and realism.

Life is a...

Today I discovered the philosopher, Arthur Schopenhauer. He has a few good quotes, very relevant to my life, but I like these two alot. They are they ones that stuck out the most to me.


Life is a pendulum that swings between suffering and boredom.


To live alone is the fate of all great souls.

I'm sure what they mean to me might be completely different for someone else and although they might have a melancholy tone I don't think either quote is necessarily sad. It's truth. Harsh and blunt but truth in all of its (looked over) glory. 

5/18 Gratefuls, a friendly event

This week's 5 Gratefuls will be very friend heavy. What can I say, I love my friends!

1. I'm grateful to have two best friends. My loving wife, Andrea, who is always there for me no matter what. We've had 7 great years of marriage and a few before that of being together, and caring for one another and always having each other's best interest in mind. My other is a relatively new bestie, my friend Ayesha. It's been kismet to have become such good friends so fast and to just have so much to relate to. From the beginning of our friendship it was like we picked up from having known each other forever. I am so ever grateful to have both these extraordinary women in my life. 
2. My great friend and little sister, Sabah. Always so fun to hang out with! She graduated with a bachelor's yesterday and I'm so proud of her. I'm very thankful and lucky to have gotten to know her and be there for her her last part of her journey through college and so glad I get to be there for her new journeys. 
3. I'm very grateful that bf mentioned above got to come back home for the weekend. It's been a busy weekend but we've had the chance to hang out and create another bond in our friendship. It's continues to amaze me how much our friendship grows and grows. She's truly appreciated. 
4. I appreciate my new found family. I'm lucky to have my own, my wife's family and now a third. Mom treats us amazing and is an amazing woman herself. Little brother is super cool. Tough shell exterior but now that, that has been cracked he's all convo and smiles. Then there's my two great friends. I count my blessing to have them and hard to imagine life without them now. 
5. Lastly for this week, I just have a general appreciation for friends and family. Today is the first day I haven't hung out with anyone in a long time. Wife worked a full closing shift which is something she hasn't done in a long time. Bestie was busy so she couldn't hang out. Then the last few days was full of family and friends. To all of a sudden have no one to hang out with and be home with nothing to do just felt so...alone. I got that, "you never know what you have until you lose it" kinda feeling. Days like these definitely let me appreciate being around, not just people, but people I truly like.  

Back in the Day

Who remembers Back in the Day?

Back in the day when I was young
 I'm not a kid anymore
but some days I sit and wish I was a kid again

I remember way back when
When?
Back in the day.

Hockey Kings of the West

What amazingness!!

One of my earlier blog posts was about how much I have gotten into hockey. The experience of the game, the cool from the ice, the roar of the crowd, the jumping up and yelling either from a goal or telling the ref that he's blind, its all very much apart of the game.

I learned another part of the game when I started going to the ECHL's Stockton Thunder games. I knew the fellas (as I like to refer to whatever season's current roster of the team) had skill and passion. Our city is kinda always down in the dumps so we make up for our depression by cheering on our local hockey team. What we lack as a city the team shows on ice.

The thing is sometimes its interesting to be a fan because as our roster changes constantly and so does the unity of the team. Thunder are apart of the ECHL which is a semi pro team. We have players come down to play for us and have players get called up to the next higher up league. We've even had quite a few players make it to the NHL.

With all the changes that happen throughout the season you always see the team grow. Even the vets grow on their own but you also see them taking on the rookies. By the end of the season what might've started off as a clunky team has now been fine tuned to perform optimally on the ice.

As any fan from any team would understand, I always hope that my team gets a shot at the championship, but I know its not always possible. When this season started off I had no doubt that the team would make the playoffs. They have the past few years and have become that high standard club that plays the hardest to at the very least make the playoffs. What amazed me was what happened during the playoffs. Game by game they picked up a Win. They lost a few but during each round of the playoffs the Wins became more and the Losses became less. They beat teams during away games and they beat teams on home ice. The more they won the more it unified them as a team, us as a city of fans, and boosted the confidence of all involved to the point that we the fans knew in our hearts that the Western Conference would be taken by the Thunder.

As I sat in section 107, right behind the goalie, the score board screen showed the team in the locker room and starting to walk out to come to the ice. The team has a phrase written on the wall to the entrance/exit of the locker room that I've seen before but it never really impacted me as much as it did the very last game they played. Written in that western "outlaw" font it says, not so simply:

Our Club

Our House

Our Way
...

All Night 

How true that phrase was that night. They were up in the series 3-1 and this was the last game in Stockton. They had to win at home in front of the nearly 5,000 fans that were cheering them on.
And. They. Did. It.

It was a great game. They played with heart and didn't let the extra roughing and hard checks of the other team phase them. They kept their head in the game and gave the fans what they wanted. How nice it'll be to walk into the arena now with a banner hanging high to show the achievements of such an amazing group of fellas.

5 Grateful things, 5/12

My second weekly 5 grateful things that I was thankful for this past week:

1. My mom. Without her I wouldn't be the person I am today. I have a deep admiration and respect for women because of her. 
2. My friends' mom for feeding me! She invites me over for dinner and welcomes me into her house as if I was one of her own. 
3. My wife and Ayesha, for putting up with my moods on a daily basis. They deal with me and diffuse my moods in a way that no others can. They both have a way to lift my spirits without knowing it or without even knowing I need it. 
4. For seeing and being able to hang out with my niece who has served a few tours in the Air Force over seas, and has now retired from serving our country. 
5. To the Stockton Thunder ECHL West Coast Champs!! For the past 5 years I've cheered them on at games and last night they won the Western Conference Championship for the very first time. It was an emotional moment to countdown last few seconds of the game and see what hardwork and a great team can do when they work together. 

We Real Cool

Theres a poem that I LOVE that gets stuck in my head from time to time. It is by the poet Gwendolyn Brooks.

We Real Cool

The Pool Players. 
Seven at the Golden Shovel.

We real cool. We
Left school. We

Lurk late. We
Strike straight. We

Sing sin. We
Thin gin. We

Jazz June. We
Die soon. 

Grateful for 5 things this week.

I want to start weekly Sunday night blog. It'll be simple, just 5 things that I'm grateful for that happened in the past week, or just moments that I appreciated. This will be in no particular order. Here's the 1st entry...

1. I attended the Multicultural Graduation of my dear friend, Sabah, then had dinner with her and her family. 
2. I got to hold and play with my niece's 1yr old son, even though he peed on me! 
3. That my cousin Danny got into a major horrible motorcycle accident and that he survived, is doing well, and still has his awesome sense of humor. 
4. I had a rough work week. This past week was hell week at work and despite everything that could've gone wrong, nothing did. I worked hard and was told by both my supervisor and manager that I was doing an awesome job and going above and beyond. 
5. Through technology I was able to watch a documentary and tv shows at the same exact time with a friend that's far away and through texting it seemed like we were hanging out together. 

That's my 5 for the week! Again in no particular order. Wonder what I'll be grateful next week?

Anxietal Paintings

Sometimes painting, drawing, sketching, being creative can be such a stress relief (more on this later in another post I am currently writing), other times it can actually be somewhat stressful. I've been doing these oil studies lately. Something very different than what I've done before. Usually when painting with oils I'll use very little to no medium and just go at it with the paint itself. For these studies I've been using very little paint and mostly just medium and so it ends up being layers of oil wash. Layer after layer  I end up rendering these portraits.

So I've done a few and they are fun to do. The people that I've been doing the portraits of are usually someone that posts a selfie on Instagram, and something about the pic just yells at me that it needs to be painted. Well a close friend is graduating and I figured why not make one of her as a graduation present! The previous ones I've made have been fairly easy to do, they've been small paintings (8 x 10), monochromatic and have helped me get my mind off of other stuff. I usually do them while on phone conversations or while watching Hulu, it takes several days to let medium dry in-between sessions but total overall time on painting is about 3-5 hours each.

The current one I'm working on has been a bit a tad different. I'm doing a much larger size and like I stated before this one is going to be a present. Where as the others have been for fun this one has a lot more tension involved. The main reason is because its for someone. The others I had no audience for, they were studies for me to do then toss them in the closet with all the other random art I've done. This one will have an audience. Even if its just my friend, which I know it wont just be her, it'll be others.

I don't know how others artists feel but knowing that your work will be viewed puts more pressure on it and in a way it blocks creativity. It happened to one of my artistic heroes Jean-Michel Basquiat, its happened to others, it happens to me. I think non creative types often view the arts as something easy to do. Like we can just pull out paper or a canvas and just sling some ink or paint and it will look good. For some that IS the case. I, and many other artists, get the "hey can you do this for free", or ask for some art with a vague description and expect a da Vinci and its not a reality. It just doesn't work that way.

We put our all into each piece we create and then someone hangs up the representation of our skill and talent, of the labour that we poured into the piece. Then people see it and some love it and some hate it but either way our skills get judged. The extent of what we can do gets judged. Sometimes art isn't as therapeutic as people think while creating it.

Mellifa...wha?!

Someone I know just recently started blogging. I hope she doesn't mind the shout out but its a cool blog so far. She only has a few entries and its great. She has a good writing style that makes it enjoyable to keep reading.

The one thing that really reached out though, the thing that hit me and made her blog stand out a bit more so than others was at the end of the first entry I read she had a list titled, "Today, I am grateful for...", and she had a few things she was grateful for. It wasn't necessarily what was on the list that struck me but the fact that she took her time out to make a list like this, and she added it to the end of every entry!

It's so common to see people rant and bitch and complain about how horrible their day was or or how hard life is but its rare to see someone stop and list things that they are grateful for. I really appreciated this and it made me stop and before I finished her list I actually said a small little prayer of everything I was thankful for.

How much better would the world be if everyone took 30 seconds out of their day to do this? Just a pause on a busy day and saying, "I'm thankful for the sun shining on my skin and making me feel warm", or something of the sort. I bet that would help a little with anxiety, or stress, or whatever...thing, someone is dealing with.

I wont copy her style and do the same to my blog but I do want to start being a little more thankful. Just at the end of the day maybe saying one thing to myself that I'm thankful for that the day has brought. It wouldn't hurt and I can see nothing but the benefit of peace, tranquility, and happiness come from it.

I know in one of the 1st posts that I said I'd close comments but they're open and I'm interested, What are YOU thankful for?




To check out her blog please visit:

http://amellifluouslife.wordpress.com

Envy

A week ago a friend sent me an article that within a few sentences I had some strong feelings about. The article basically said that we ( social media users ) often look at Facebook or Instagram and see how wonderful other peoples lives are wonderful but how ours sucks in comparison. They reason we see how wondrous others' lives are is because the only talk about the great things going on in their life and not the bad.

It says that we don't check social sites when we are at our peak times and we only check when we are bored or doing some mundane thing or waiting for something. Yes that's true, that's when things are checked the most but people post even in peak times. How else would you see celebratory moments whether the post is slightly delayed of the moment or not?

I agree when the article says that life looks prettier on the internet. When we blog we hide behind a screen and vomit out feelings knowing that we wont get to see the immediate reaction to whoever reads, when we Facebook we talk about silly nonsensical things but when someone writes a post about something that actually matters we keep scrolling down ( or up! ) our feed to get to the next post about who got voted off whatever show. Then my current fav, Instragram, as an artist I follow a lot of friends but mostly artists. I see a lot of art that I either hate, like, or that inspire me. Then I get to the non artist and there are the landscapes and the food pics which I'm ok with but so help me I will chuck my phone across the room if I see another Insta pic of close ups of nails or a shot taken of whatever shoes your wearing while your standing up.

Then the article loses me. It says social media is "dangerous" because it threatens "community". That we have to have physical aural discussions, and be close in proximity, and break bread with each other in real life to have community. That its not possible with social networking.
On Twitter I've met several artists, illustrators, animators, and cartoonists that I have gotten to know and that we interact on a semi regular basis and that have given me advice and counsel on my own artistic path. This past Christmas I participated in an Art Exchange with a bunch of artists. How is that not forming "community"?

The article then urges other people to stop connecting using apps and start connecting through other personal means like emails or texts. So what happens when the person you text doesn't answer back? What if you really want to hear from a person and you never get that text ,or email, or call? How is that really any better? To me that would bring the same amount of negative feelings that I'd get by seeing posts of someone having the time of their life while I wasn't.

The article was an interesting read, I just think that people should take social media so seriously. It's meant to be a time waster why cant we just leave it at that?

Something new.

Even though I hate the title, but being an "artist" is sometimes very awesome.

Today I created something that wasn't in the world before.

That's an amazing feeling, and even more amazing is that people liked it.

truth of the moment

Sometimes I push people away or shut them out because everything I touch turns to shit.

Tested

The last few weeks have been a test of my limits.

 It began with emotional limits. I found out a few coworkers one of which I admire have Cancer, Another person is suffering severe depression. It sucks but everyone is coping.

It continued with creative limits. A best friend came to visit on her spring break and we had a challenge, four paintings in less than a week. We did it! It was such a fun and surreal experience to be painting on the same canvas at the same time with one of your best friends. All four paintings were for her but cant wait until she visits again so we can work on paintings for me to hang in my own home. I could do them myself but they would mean more to do them together.

Yesterday was a test of physical limits. I worked a 13 hour work day in my day job not from any art related job. From the early morning til the evening I was in charge of a group of about 20 and we worked under a hard schedule. I felt like I was behind at times and that I could've done things better to be more efficient but those are lessons learned for the next time. I came home exhausted and delirious but knowing that I could do it.

It's always interesting to see how far or how WILLING a person can go when limits are being pushed.

St. Hockey's Day

People know I don't care much for sports, but there is one that gets my blood pumping every time, Hockey. God I love hockey.

I did this thing on Facebook a few years ago where it calculates what you talk about most and gives a percentage. Hockey got the highest rating. To say I'm obsessed is a bit of an understatement.

The fascination started around high school. I grew out of baseball at an early age, always hated basketball and golf, and football was fun but only if it was Raider's football. Other than the Silver & Black I just wasn't all that interested. One of my friends said he loved hockey and suggested I give it a shot. I watched a Redwings game, I don't remember who they played but I liked it! There was so much going on that it was impossible for me to get distracted. I would watch an occasional game on TV but I wanted to be there and the fact that I knew I probably wouldn't go to a real game just made me lose some interest.

Fast forward to 2005 my city got a minor league hockey team, the Stockton Thunder. I was pretty excited but my friend had moved away and I knew of no one that liked hockey. I asked a few people to go but I couldn't find anyone interested. I live in a city in Northern California were it doesn't snow or get all that cold, why would anyone be interested in a game that no one around here plays or grew up with?

It took me until the 3rd season of the Thunder being here to make my 1st game. It was love at first ice. It was fun, entertaining, exciting, and emotional! I'm the type of person that gets distracted easily but this game had my full and complete attention. From constantly tracking the super fast puck, to watching the grace of the players skate up and down the rink as equally as fast as the puck, to the refs letting the guys go at it in a full on brawl. I got the hockey fever bad. After that 1st initial game I haven't stopped going.

A few years ago I hit a rough spot and got depressed a bit. I credit two things that kept me going through that dark time, my wife and hockey. I don't want anyone to think my wife isn't the single most important thing that's ever happened to me but this post is about hockey so lets keep that going. The game made me feel alive. I'd love going to the arena wearing all the Thunder Wear I had acquired. Walking in with thousands of other fans wondering what would happen during the game. Who would get goals? Who would fight? Let's face it, we all knew who would fight, *ahem* Garet Hunt, but how many fights would he get it in? What would the final score be? Would this game get us closer to the Kelly Cup?

The buzz and the electricity of the arena mixed with the cool cold air coming off the ice was and is always so refreshing. Then the lights go off and the entrance music comes on, my personal favorite is when Young Men Dead by The Black Angels starts playing. The players are announced and deafening cheering is made for our hometown gladiators. The lights come back on after the National Anthem and then as soon as the puck drops I get full on hardcore fan mode. I love sitting behind the goalie in good old section 107 to yell and get as rowdy as the people around me will let me. Hearing the players yell plays, the crack of the puck against a stick, and the boom of the glass as players are pushed into it gets my adrenaline going like nothing else could. The moment someone fights and you cheer for Thunder and boo the night's rival is the most fun to be had. The pure joy you feel to see the red light flashing and hear the loud horn is amazing! The best feeling however, the absolute best feeling is when at the end of the game you see the team all in the middle of the ice holding their sticks up saluting the fans that cheered them on. How could anyone not love this sport?!


This past weekend was St. Patrick's Day weekend and I went to two games in two days. Never once was I bored. Never once did I wish I spent my weekend any other way.

Awhile back the team announcer mentioned how much some guys on the team liked the TV show Sons of Anarchy. Soon after I saw an image from a fan that had a biker-type logo and a banner that said "Sons of Thunder". I have embraced that and will always think of myself as a member of the Sons of Thunder, Hockey Club section 107.

I feel so grateful and glad that our city has the Stockton Thunder. They helped me through alot and let me share them and turn family and friends into fans.

After the Laughter

I teased someone with the blog and was told the title was a little sad. Maybe I should explain.

I've always loved the phrase "after the laughter" for what it implies. Its simple really and the old song by Wendy Rene explains it, "after laughter comes tears". I find that to be very true. Life is full of ups and downs. Normally I'm a happy person and very extroverted. I'm the type of guy that can walk up to a person, strike up a conversation, and by the end of it we'll be friends. I thrive off of people's energy. That's my laughter of life. There's so many people to learn from and talk to and so many stories to be heard.

Certain people are sometimes described as the life of the party but, life IS the party.

So what happens after?

For me, on nights when my wife is at work and I'm home alone I go to my personal mental space. I retreat to the depths of my mind. When I paint or draw I often go to that place. It's my time to reflect on everything and analyze and be harsh about myself. It's the time I worry about things and be scared. I allow myself that so that way others won't see.

So after the laughter, comes the tears.

I guess it is a bit sad, but if I'm using this blog as an outlet why not share a bit of the me that no ones ever sees? It would be better to type and let things out than to bottle up the stress and be scared alone. If the me you see in person is the laughter than this is the tears. This is what and who I am when no one is around. This is the scared little boy that hides in the strong willed happy man.

Everyone sheds the tears, I guess this is just going to be my way to show them.

Not to say this is blog will always be depressing or that it'll always be about what I'm going through, but some of that might show up from time to time. I will try to keep some laughter here despite the name.

Where to start?

     A friend recently asked if I had a blog. I dont remember how the subject came up but thats not vital to this posting in particular. Upon my friend asking, I had two immediate thoughts,
1) Why would anyone care what I thought or how I felt about anything?
2) Why DON'T I have a blog?


Let's ( I say lets because I'm assuming at some point I will have a reader of this horrendous thing.) discuss the first thought. Not to be too hard or negative on myself but I've tried having art/sketch blogs. After starting them I would boast to whoever would listen, I'd create something and post with the hopes of getting feedback from people, as soon as I hit that publish button I would go to Facebook and Twitter and tell the world I was ready to share! It took a lot for me to be comfortable with people seeing my art or the progress of it. This was a huge step for me. Then the thing I was scared of... happened. No one responded. No one cared. The comments stayed as empty as the malls on Christmas Day. The analytics showed that a few visitors stumbled on my page. I eager awaited some form of response. And...nothing. The silence was deafening...
   
Not one to give up too easily I posted again. And again. And again. And again. Everytime I got a few more responses but nothing to get happy about. I guess at that point I realized if no one cares to see what I do, I shouldn't care to show it. I would make art, at most post sketches and the works in progress on Instagram and wait until the final version and just put it on my website. Again that was with art and sketch blogs, I hadn't even thought of a *gasp!*, "real" blog.

See to incorporate my second thought ( please see above if you forgot! ), why not try my hand at a written blog? Even if no one cares what I think, what I say, or how I feel, I could always use it as an outlet. I could post sketches if and when I felt but to be more own critic. Who cares about other people think? A blog by me for me, and if others happen upon it then they could read along. I guess it could be like a a train with people hopping aboard and getting off and just see where they go with what I write.


The friend that asked about my bloggyness said she'd be interested to read what was on my mind. Well at least that's one reader, although I'm not so sure she knows what she's getting herself into. I'm sure my wife would read, and she loves everything I do, so thats another reader. As far as I'm concerned they could be my only readers.

I've disabled comments but if anyone really needs to get ahold of me or tell me what they think of whatever it is I'm going to blog about my newly created email strictly for the blog use is floating around the about me section somewhere.

I'm just curious to see where this is going to go...

After...

After your laughter 

I'll try to hide, hide my sorrows
I wonder can i hold them till tomorrow
Maybe ill hold them for a year
But they keep say

After your laughter
Now you will see those wet little tears